Human Catapult

This is way cool but I'd lose it..one way or another!

Lost Weight, Found Love...

Suzi Preston and Matt Hoover lost a ton of weight on The Biggest Loser and found love in the process and today Matt proposed on the Today Show and Suzi said yes. I need to lose some weight and find love. Where can I get an application for The Biggest Loser? No, wait, you have to stand there on the scale in that tight skimpy outfit...no, can't do it, nope, not gonna happen...sigh! Anyway, congrats, biggest losers, you're winners in my book.

(sigh...pant) "Aaaannnnd that's one! Whew!!! I'm done, what a workout!

Ooh, an equal opportunity employer, maybe I can get an interview.

Just what does one wear to an interview at this place?

Betsy McCall Paper Dolls

How many of you are old enough to remember the Besty McCalls paper dolls that were in each issue of McCalls magazine? Ok, I know the guys won't remember, well, a few will, it was their first experience with cross dressing I'm sure, lol. With all this snow around, it reminded me of what I would do on snow days, I'd get out my paper dolls and play with them. Do kids still use their imaginations or are they zombies in front of the tv or video games? Anyway, here's a link if any of you want to reminise.

Ok, so these tests are silly but this one I couldn't resist...

so which Muppet are you? Me? I'm....

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

You take the title "mad scientist" to the extreme -with very scary things coming out of your lab.And you've invented some pretty cool things, from a banana sharpener to a robot politician.But while you're busy turning gold into cottage cheese, you need to watch out for poor little Beaker!"Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker! Now you eat these paper clips this minute."

The Muppet Personality Test

Yuck! They look like the perfect couple. Joey looks like he's had too much "work" done.

NEW YORK - More than a decade after 16-year-old Amy Fisher had a sexual relationship with a much-older car mechanic and shot his wife in the face, the one-time "Long Island Lolita" and Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco have agreed to appear together in a televised reunion. All three have signed on for the appearance, which has yet to be sold to a network, television producer David Krieff told the New York Post for Monday editions. "It's time to just put it behind us," Fisher, now 31, told the newspaper. "We played this all out in a public eye. It'd be interesting to let the public see the healing process at the end. They saw everything else — why not let them see the final product?"

Fisher spent seven years in prison. Joey Buttafuoco, who was jailed for statutory rape following the 1992 shooting, said he planned to ask Fisher to explain her actions. "I've been asked about a million times by Mary Jo, `Why did Amy shoot me?' I was never able to get that answer," said Buttafuoco, now 49. "There's going to be a lot of shocking revelations, and that's why I'm excited to sit down to do this," he said.

The Buttafuocos moved to California and divorced in 2003. Mary Jo, who remains partially paralyzed from the shooting, is engaged. Joey Buttafuoco, who has remarried, was sentenced in March 2004 to a year in jail and five years' probation after pleading guilty to felony insurance fraud. In August, he pleaded not guilty to charges that he violated probation by possessing ammunition.

Unbelievable!!!

The minibar isn't the only thing that costs extra at the Ostfriesland Hotel in Norden, Germany. They have started charging guests by weight. The exact amount is about the equilvelant of 60 cents per 2 pounds, which means that the old Kirstey Alley would be paying about $18 more per night than the new one. Their reasoning: "Slim guests live longer and can therefore come more often and that is why we reward them."

And I thought it had to do with the bedsprings, or some other logical and less discriminatory reason. I have to wonder how they even manage to get their guests to voluntarily get on the scale in the first place? Guess I won't be staying there should I ever go over to sample some pints.

Light at the end of the tunnel...well, not quite the end, still more shoveling to do and 3-6 more inches expected this afternoon. Oh and there's a whole other car buried under there...it won't see the street till Easter...lol. Shoveling courtesy of JohnnyB and Shay, my super hero's!!!!!!

So how is your day? This is how mine is going. Make it stop....please? I'll give you money, sexual favors, put you in my will...name it. Livi is sick of snow!!!

This is for CatWoman and all other cat lovers....

Excerpts From "A Cat's Guide To Human Beings"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hangaround with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations, and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families, or even sleeping.Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this woodpulp product at every opportunity. This practice also workswell with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
*Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting aromantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly backaway, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will take you only so far.

Beasley Goes Bad!!!

She was my favorite doll as a child, she went everywhere with me and slept with me. She listened to me and tried the veggies to tell they were ok to eat and tried the cough medicine first..mmmm, yummy! I once turned her hair green by washing it with Comet Cleanser. They one day she disappeared. I was never told where or why but now I know. She obviously got mixed up with the wrong crowd, hooked up with some biker and now look at her....it's a disgrace. Tonight on Geraldo "When good girls go bad!"

How William Shatner Changed The World

This is a show on the History Channel next week. Sounds like fun!!!

Whaaa, it's cold in here.

Ok, I have to rant so feel free to skip this post, I just need to vent.

She sits near me in the office and every fucking day she whines that it's cold in the room. She's always calling maintenance asking them to turn up the heat making everyone else uncomfortable. Why is she always cold? Because she's an idiot who can't read a calendar. It's Winter dumbass!!! Yet everyday she wears skimpy cotton, sleeveless blouses or dresses with sandals. Maybe no one taught her how to dress, maybe she just likes to whine or like I said, she's an idiot. Never the less, I thought I'd give her a few dress tips for winter just in case she's reading this.

Jackets and blazers - Great for winter and very stylish. Try one.

Boots - Their sassy and they will keep your feet warm.

Pants, slacks or jeans (on Friday) great for keeping your legs warm and you can skip shaving that day...it's all good. So put the summer dresses and sandals away till summer and quit being a pain in the ass whiner. I feel better!!!

Too loose to trek

What a morning. The roads were slick and my car was handling really bad. I found out why when I got to work. I was driving on a flat, well half flat, it was a slow leak. So I called Roadside Assistance, 2 hours later this guy shows up half asleep with quarter sized black discs in his earlobes...creepy. Anyway, he changed the tire but didn't seem like he really knew what he was doing. After he left I drove to Firestone which is about 3 miles away. when I got there they showed me that ALL 5 LUG NUTS WERE VERY LOOSE. Yikes, I almost blew it off to have it fixed tomorrow and I have a 70 mile trek and we had sleet this evening. That could have been the end of Livi. Needless to say I reported the SOB.

Then I bought a new cell phone, a Nokia 6102 and spent the evening screaming and cussing while trying to learn how to use it....loads of fun. But it did let me put my kitty's face as my screen saver so I'm happy.


Speak of the devil ------------->

Being Single Ain't So Bad........

According to the latest study by Dr. Timothy Smith, a psychologist from the University of Utah, it seems the manner in which husbands and wives argue over such hot-button topics such as money, in-laws, and children, may be a factor in their risk of developing coronary atherosclerosis, or hardening of the arteries of the heart.

In a study of 150 couples, mostly in their 60s, researchers found that women who behaved in a hostile manner during marital disputes were more likely to have atherosclerosis, especially if their husbands were also hostile.

In men, hostility -- their own or their wives -- was not related to atherosclerosis. However, men who behaved in a dominating or controlling manner -- or whose wives behaved in that way -- were more likely to have clogged coronary arteries.

Gee, I recently read that being single can shorten your life but being married can too, I guess were all going to die...someday. I wonder how much money the government gives these idiots to study the obvious?

Oh God, the Horror!!!!!!!!!

Birthdays..........I have 3 friends going through "milestone" birthdays this month. 35, 39 and the big 50. These "Oh God, I'm insert age here and I haven't accomplished shit birthdays can be very traumatizing. When I turned 39, I threw a big party and had a great time till everyone left then I did it. I ran THE LIST through my head. I'm 39, no husband, no children a sucky job and still renting...I'm a big fat failure!!!!! As I was reaching for the valium and revolver, I decided to take charge and achieve at least one thing on my list. So the next day I started house hunting. At the time I was living in Long Beach, CA...very expensive real estate. Anything I could afford to buy I was afraid to live in, it was discouraging to say the least. At the same time, my landlady of 10 years decided to sell the duplex I was living in for way more than I could afford to pay so the search became a necessity and not just life advancing. The only affordable real estate left in So Cal was in the mountains and so Crazy Mountain Woman was born. I also had to get another job closer to the mountains and although it's not a better job, it does pay more. So really I crossed off 50% of my list....good thing right? Well, not exactly, I'm now so far away from my friends, I never get to see them and had to make new friends which can be good too but the point of all of this is that milestone birthdays can make you do crazy shit so I'm wondering what changes my friends will be compelled to make this year?

Anyone else out there do some crazy shit over a birthday??? Boob job, corvette, divorce, rob a bank...anything? Do tell.