Cake please

My birthday is this week. I envy people who enjoy their birthdays. They are usually happy with where they are at in their lives. Unfortunately for me, I always use birthdays to reflect back and imagine the future, never a good thing but it's a habit.

On the way home tonight I saw a red 93 Paseo and the worst time in my life flashed before my eyes. I left my husband in 93 because all we did was fight and I'd had enough. I turned 30, got cocky, bought that red flashy Paseo and in my best Joanna Everheart voice decided "I could do better" and left. I was happy, healthy, at my thinnest with platinum long blonde hair, short skirts and high heels, on the prowl and having a blast.

Then I met him, the man I fell madly in love with and spent the next 5 years living with. He told me he loved me everyday. Talked about marriage often. Talked, and talked and talked. Days turned into months, turned into years and when he could no longer take my "pushing" (like waiting 5 years is pushing) he comes clean and tells me he never loved me and never wanted to get married. He stayed and lied because he never had any woman treat him so well but now he's met a 20 year old asian gymnast whose grandfather just died and left her $4 mil. Now that's true love. All his needs were being met. It never occurred to him that he was wasting my life, the best years. He stole 30-36 from me, actually to 38 because it took that long to get over him and to trust again and I never did meet Mr. Right, never had kids and here I am celebrating another empty birthday. I hate birthdays.

My ex husband is happily remarried and I'm happy for him, after all it was I who did the leaving in the fire swamp (inside joke) so I have to live with that decision.

Which R do I feel after leaving him? (another inside joke) Regret, regret that we didn't go to counseling and make it work. Regret that I'm childless...the single, most enormous mistake of my life. One I regret numerous times each day. AND DON'T YOU DARE REPLY WITH SOME SUNNY-SIDE UP CRAPPY REPLY LIKE "But it's never too late, you could meet the man of your dreams tomorrow and make babies or adopt" and be 62+ at it's high school graduation? I don't think so. I'm just using this post to vent...as free therapy. It was eating away at me tonight and I needed to purge....so there...it's out. I feel better...well, a little.

Anyway, I've decided that this will be my last acknowledged birthday, I plan to forget the date, not remind a soul and just stop having them, then I won't have that time to dwell on my lifes mistakes...it's just not healthy.

So, happy last birthday to me, happy last birthday to me, happy last birthday dear Livi, happy last birthday to me.....and never more!!!!